It's Time
I've been trying to make a decision. I've had an offer for a new job. I don't really know what to think. First of all, it's not 100% but the deal got sweetened today. I had made a request of the person who wanted me to come to sign me on to a summer institute. I found out today that he did recommend me for that institute and I have been accepted. It is an honor to hear that, but I am still a little nervous. I have spent alot of time reflecting about what I want to do and ideologically, the new place would be the place for me, but I haven't ever made a move to a new place.
When I was in high school and college, I always maintained one job at a pool for the YMCA. I tried out different summer jobs, but I always stayed at the Y as well. I never left. And things got bad. I cried the first two months at my teaching job because I wanted to go back to the pool that I worked at. When things got bad at the Y, I just held on to the belief that I would someday graduate college and find a school to teach at.
And here I am, at a school, and I think anyone who has read half of a post knows that it's not my dream job. But I don't know whether to go or stay. I've been through some really bad stuff and stayed the course through the change. The question is whether there is hope that things will get better here...You would think the answer was an easy one: go, right? I don't know. It's not just about me. I love my kids and the past few weeks I have taken a look at my surroundings trying to come up with the right answer. I know how bad things can get here-side story-today 3 of the 6 teachers I was eating lunch with were complaining about how "black people's" names are unnecessarily complicated. Why can't they just get names that are spelled or pronounced the grammatically correct way? I couldn't help but think, 'what you really mean is the "white way."- considering how many sleepless nights and unnerving vacations that I have been through, I know that this job is not the best one. The problem is that the prospect of the unknown job is terrifying. I know what I have built here and I know how good my classroom is. Let's face it. I can leave this job because I despise who I work with, but a new place could have worse problems. From a happiness perspective, I have to decide what my threshold for crappines is, as far as how bad is too bad, for a job.
Then there's the kid perspective. I am losing some seniors that are really important to me, but there's also a ton of kids in my debate classes that will return next year that I am not sure I can leave. The thought of someone else coaching them makes me sick. Unfortunately, those kids won't be there for forever either, and this opportunity only presents itself every so often.
The new job is an opportunity for me to work in the same district as I graduated high school in, which makes me proud to essentially go back and coach at my alum. It's also a chance for me to work on the type of debate that I really want to. There's some other perks about the job that make it lucrative.
In the end, I can't figure out which is more important to me: my happiness or my kids' happiness. I don't want to upset them, and I am scared to go to a new place, but I don't know how long you all will keep reading this blog if I bitch too much more about where I am at. I want to go, but I am scared of leaving and it going from bad about 1/2 of the time to being all out hell at a new place. I don't know... Your thoughts are truly appreciated with all of this.
When I was in high school and college, I always maintained one job at a pool for the YMCA. I tried out different summer jobs, but I always stayed at the Y as well. I never left. And things got bad. I cried the first two months at my teaching job because I wanted to go back to the pool that I worked at. When things got bad at the Y, I just held on to the belief that I would someday graduate college and find a school to teach at.
And here I am, at a school, and I think anyone who has read half of a post knows that it's not my dream job. But I don't know whether to go or stay. I've been through some really bad stuff and stayed the course through the change. The question is whether there is hope that things will get better here...You would think the answer was an easy one: go, right? I don't know. It's not just about me. I love my kids and the past few weeks I have taken a look at my surroundings trying to come up with the right answer. I know how bad things can get here-side story-today 3 of the 6 teachers I was eating lunch with were complaining about how "black people's" names are unnecessarily complicated. Why can't they just get names that are spelled or pronounced the grammatically correct way? I couldn't help but think, 'what you really mean is the "white way."- considering how many sleepless nights and unnerving vacations that I have been through, I know that this job is not the best one. The problem is that the prospect of the unknown job is terrifying. I know what I have built here and I know how good my classroom is. Let's face it. I can leave this job because I despise who I work with, but a new place could have worse problems. From a happiness perspective, I have to decide what my threshold for crappines is, as far as how bad is too bad, for a job.
Then there's the kid perspective. I am losing some seniors that are really important to me, but there's also a ton of kids in my debate classes that will return next year that I am not sure I can leave. The thought of someone else coaching them makes me sick. Unfortunately, those kids won't be there for forever either, and this opportunity only presents itself every so often.
The new job is an opportunity for me to work in the same district as I graduated high school in, which makes me proud to essentially go back and coach at my alum. It's also a chance for me to work on the type of debate that I really want to. There's some other perks about the job that make it lucrative.
In the end, I can't figure out which is more important to me: my happiness or my kids' happiness. I don't want to upset them, and I am scared to go to a new place, but I don't know how long you all will keep reading this blog if I bitch too much more about where I am at. I want to go, but I am scared of leaving and it going from bad about 1/2 of the time to being all out hell at a new place. I don't know... Your thoughts are truly appreciated with all of this.
posted by Unequivocal_Prowess at 6:20 PM
1 Comments:
Girl, I went through similar wonderings when I left the hospital... it's not much, but I've gleaned a little from my move:
1. You deserve to be happy. And although you can't let others dictate your mood, sometimes they will, despite your best intentions to ignore them.
2. I think it's commendable that you're considering the feelings of your students with whom you work and how your move would impact them. However, in four years you would have another group of great kids who won't want you to leave, either. Ultimately, someone's going to be hurt when you leave -- that's just the nature of the beast. Just ask yourself if your misery is worth being the martyr for your students.
3. Life ain't perfect. You might be trading the monkeys on your back for a whole new set of apes ... so sit down and make a list of the specific things that you don't like about your job. Make another list of the things you really do like about your job... and ask yourself what you're willing to compromise. Your disads might totally outweigh your advantages.
4. My very good friend gave me one of the best pieces of advice when I was in nursing school... I had called him and was all upset about The Hater being here, him being in California, school was hard, woe is me, etc... And he told me something that was so very moving to me that I wrote it on a post-it note and put it on the inside of my door, so that I would see it every time I left my dorm room - and every time I returned. Actually, I think that same post-it is in one of my picture albums now... without further aideu: "You are not a rock, and that's okay." It's okay to question what you want in life, it's okay to be frustrated with your current work milieu, it's okay to be afraid of change, it's okay to sleep on other people's couches. It's okay.
5. Other people's opinions are nice, but your decision to go or stay should be yours alone. DO what you've got to do for you.
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